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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28154154">Be Gay, Do Crime, Get Married, It’s Christmastime</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Padawan_Writer/pseuds/Padawan_Writer'>Padawan_Writer</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Background Dr. Emile Picani, Background Sleep | Remy Sanders, Christmas, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, F/F, Fem!Remus - Freeform, Fem!Roman, Fluff, Happy Ending, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Merry bitchmas everybody, Remus causing chaos, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Weddings, You won’t believe the amount of fluff I poured into this, fem!Virgil</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:27:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,601</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28154154</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Padawan_Writer/pseuds/Padawan_Writer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The worst is about to happen. Their parents have arranged for Patton and Logan to marry two women, Romana and Virgilia, on Christmas Eve. Too late, Patton and Logan finally admit their love for each other.</p><p>With help from their chaotic best man and bride’s maid, Janus and Remus, can they turn their worst Christmas wedding ever into their best Christmas wedding ever?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil Sanders &amp; Logic | Logan Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders &amp; Morality | Patton Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders &amp; Deceit | Janus Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Be Gay, Do Crime, Get Married, It’s Christmastime</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Patton Hart always said it was his fault for being such good friends with Romana. Logan Crofter always felt the blame lay with him more, for giving in to his homophobic parents’ pressure and bringing home Romana Prince’s secret girlfriend Virgilia Black home to pose as his fake girlfriend. More sensibly, Romana and Virgilia blamed the parents for the disaster.</p><p>It all started when all four families, the Harts, Crofters, Princes and Blacks met up for a formal dinner. Logan could already smell trouble. His worst fears—all their worst fears—were realised when his father tapped on his wine glass for silence and stood up. “We have a happy announcement to make,” he said, “since you four young people are obviously in very happy relationships, we are delighted to announce that we adults have decided to facilitate matters for what can be a daunting event to a young person. We have arranged a double wedding for you four on Christmas Eve!” He beamed around at the four faces drained of colour. </p><p>The only sound was cousin Janus’s slow sarcastic clapping.</p><p>The final bell chimed doom for any hope he had had of becoming something more than a friend to Patton.</p><p> </p><p>“Logan! Logan… what the fuck are we going to dooo…” Patton wailed miserably.</p><p>“Did you just swear? You just swore. I cannot believe this. I’m going to faint.”</p><p>They were standing in the porch outside one of the little cottages that stood around the courtyard of an estate they had rented for the week of The Wedding. It was gently snowing, and Patton hugged himself inside his Christmas jumper.</p><p>“The occasion called for it! I can’t marry her, I just can’t…” Patton almost broke down in tears.</p><p>“Why not, Patton? Why can’t you marry Romana? She’s a lovely girl, not traditionally feminine but you can’t please every in-law on the planet…”</p><p>“Because I’m GAY, that’s why!” Patton burst out. Oh good grief. It felt so good to finally say it, and say it to Logan. At least he wouldn’t have that regret, the regret that he had never come out to Logan, after he was married.</p><p>There was utter silence in the courtyard. Patton bit his lip, waiting for Logan’s response, unable to meet his eyes.</p><p>“You’re gay? Patton, why didn’t you tell me this before?”</p><p>Patton took a deep breath. “Because you never asked. And the parents… they would disown me if they knew… oh lord don’t tell them please I beg…”</p><p>Logan stepped closer. “Look where we’re standing.”</p><p>Over the porch roof hung a twig of mistletoe. Taking advantage of Patton’s momentary distraction, Logan leaned down and gently brushed his lips to Patton’s.</p><p>Patton started, momentarily shocked out of his wits. This could not be happening, it could not…</p><p>Concerned, Logan drew back. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t know what came over me.”</p><p>“No Logan… you don’t understand!” Almost aggressively, desperately afraid he might lose this one tiny sliver of a chance, he grasped Logan and pulled him towards him, kissing him on the mouth, his own tears brushing off onto Logan’s cheeks.</p><p>“Pa—Patton—are you serious?” Logan asked.</p><p>“With all my heart. I have to say it. I love you. Please don’t be mad!” He looked pleadingly into his eyes, flicking intimately between them.</p><p>“Oh Patton—I’m not mad. I would dedicate my whole life to taking care of you if I could.”</p><p>Patton could feel the breath of Logan’s warm words ghosting across his lips.</p><p>“I—I love you Patton,” Logan finally admitted. “I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to say it.”</p><p>Patton stroked Logan’s cheek and Logan turned his head to kiss the palm of his hand. “Oh don’t be, my—my darling. I’m sorry I told you so late… too late. We’re to be married in three days,” Patton said.</p><p>“And not to each other,” Logan murmured. “Come here. We have three days to make up for a lifetime of lost time together.”</p><p> </p><p>Janus, in his capacity of best man, was having a nightmare sorting out Logan and Patton’s matching tuxedos within the budget the in-laws had given him. With only two days to go, he had managed to get hold of some and now he was fetching them from the landing wardrobe to take to the dry cleaners for an emergency clean.</p><p>He wrenched open the big wardrobe door and started when a very red faced Patton and Logan came tumbling out.</p><p>“We’re back from Narnia!” Patton yelled.</p><p>“We were just checking the suits!” Logan shouted at the same time.</p><p>“Liars,” said Janus.</p><p>“We were we promise…”</p><p>“Takes a liar to know a liar. You two were fucking.”</p><p>“Falsehood!”</p><p>“We were not!”</p><p>“Yes you were.” Janus said, crossing his arms.</p><p>“Yes we were. What are you going to do, report us?” Logan challenged.</p><p>“Would I ever? But you two are in deep dark mess. You’re getting <em>married</em> for heaven’s sakes! To two women! On Christmas Eve!”</p><p>“I don’t know what to do!” said Patton miserably.</p><p>“You need a clean sharp knife to cut through this mess. Let me think about it.”</p><p>“We’re a hopeless case…” moaned Patton.</p><p>“No you’re not. Get back in the cupboard. Oh and hand me your tuxedos—thank you Logan. Just get bak in the cupboard together and don’t you worry about a thing.” Janus shut the wardrobe on them.</p><p>In the dark, Logan took Patton’s hand and kissed the knuckles one by one. “You heard what he said, Patton. Everything is going to be okay, I promise. It’s going to be okay. Somehow. We’ll figure it out.”</p><p>Patton leaned his head against Logan’s shoulder and cried while Logan stroked his hair.</p><p> </p><p>“OW!” Screamed Romana, startling Virgilia and clutching her eye with one hand and the mascara brush she had stabbed it with in the other. “I did it again Vee!”</p><p>“You’ll get the hang of it,” Virgilia fussed.</p><p>“It’s a torture device, that’s what it is!” Romana cried dramatically.</p><p>“Here, let me do it,” said Virgilia. She took Romana’s face gently in one hand and softly applied the mascara. Romana relaxed into her touch, eyes closed. “You know the weddings won’t change how we feel for each other, right?” She murmured.</p><p>“It’ll change many things, but not my undying love for you—ow!”</p><p>“Don’t move, it messes it! Babe, I’m going to have to begin all over again with your eyes. Plus I’ve decided red will be a better look for you on our big day tomorrow.”</p><p>“Worst Christmas ever,” groaned Romana. “More like bitchmas. Merry bitchmas everybody, a lesbian and a bi are getting married and not to each other. Poor bitches.”</p><p>“All I want for bitchmas is yooouu,” sang Virgilia.</p><p>They sprang apart as the door opened with a bang, but relaxed when they saw it was only Remus, Romana’s sister and their maid of honour. “Congratulations, my mini makeup messes! Janus and I have held a council and decided to ruin your wedding for you!”</p><p>“By my chemical romance, there is nothing I would like more,” Virgilia breathed sincerely.</p><p> </p><p>“Well if you do insist on sausage rolls, at least heat them. Have you managed to get the ham properly cooked? You know I had a nightmare last night that it was left out raw and then everyone got food poisoning.” Patton was fussing over the catering again; the ever patient head caterer doing her best to soothe his fears. </p><p>Logan found it endearing as he made his way through the dining hall towards Patton. Even though this whole wedding was their worst nightmare, Patton was still determined that all their guests would be cared for and have a good time. He tugged at his sleeve. “It’s okay Patton, I’m sure Sarah is taking care of everything. She’s very capable at her job, aren’t you?”</p><p>The head caterer smiled and made her escape.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t be bothering everyone,” Patton said, “but I’ve got nothing else to do and it’s not like I’m going to spending my time with Romana and I just worry, you know?”</p><p>Logan pulled him into a hug. “I know. We all have different coping mechanisms, and right now I think a little distraction will go a long way.” He pulled him down behind a stack of tables. “I read somewhere that games are a very good form of distraction.”</p><p>“Do you even know any games?” Patton asked.</p><p>“Of course. Monopoly, chess, Rubik’s cubes, all that stuff, but you know, I heard of this game recently called ’truth or dare’? Perhaps we could play that?”</p><p>Patton nodded along like he had never heard of the game in his life as Logan carefully explained the the rules to Truth or Dare. “Alright Logan. Truth or dare?”</p><p>“Truth.”</p><p>“Hmm. Have you ever… kissed a girl?” Patton asked.</p><p>Logan adjusted his glasses. “Yes actually, quite recently. Virgilia and I were going somewhere together on errands, and she was telling me all about her amazing time she’d had with Romana and how lovely Romana was, when suddenly her mother appeared behind us. We had no idea how much she had heard and Virgie straight up panicked, so I just yelled ‘and I love you too babe!’ and grabbed her and kissed her in the mouth. Her mother apologised and left us alone. Not the most fun moment of my life.”</p><p>Patton chuckled, his first real smile in ages. Logan was overjoyed to see it.</p><p>“Alright Patton, truth or dare?”</p><p>“Truth.”</p><p>“When did you fist start to fall in love with me?” Logan asked seriously.</p><p>Patton blushed. He remembered the moment well. “Do you remember when we were both fourteen, and I came over to your house for a playday or something our mums arranged, and you got our your father’s wooden chess set and tried your hardest to teach me how to play? You just looked so magical and serious, giving me each little wooden piece and explaining how they moved. And I tried so hard to learn to impress you. And then when I learned just enough to be able to play it with you, I remember you said some nice things and I just had this massive warm glow inside… and then afterwards I got home and I had this one thought that this feeling wasn’t what other straight boys felt about each other. And then that really kicked off my existential crisis of gayness! And I pined for you ever since.” Patton looked up from playing with his hands to see Logan as close to tears as he had ever seen him. “Oh Logan, don’t cry!” He leaned forward to pull him into a kiss, which Logan returned with a passion, twining his fingers through Patton’s hair, hardly able to get enough of him. Patton pulled him onto his knee. At last Logan was his… if only for a day. Until their forever separation.</p><p>Ten minutes later, they were interrupted by a voice. “I’m sorry for interrupting such an intimate moment, and I really am delighted that you two have <em>finally</em> got together, but for the love of a gay Disney prince could you please take it somewhere more private?”</p><p>Patton jumped. Romana and Virgilia were staring down at them. He came back to reality, they were in the dining hall, anyone could have walked in on them! It was a Christmas miracle that it had only been their brides to be.</p><p>“Haven’t you people ever heard of closing a damn door?” Virgilia said. “What a beautiful wedding, what a beautiful wedding, says the bride’s maid to the waiter, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor grooms and the brides are in love.”</p><p>“I think this is what you might call a love square,” Romana said, “and I have just had a most magnificent idea. Come to my bride chamber, I am calling a council. And someone fetch our wily best man and maid of honour. This is important.”</p><p> </p><p>The next morning was Christmas Eve. Logan knocked on Patton’s door. Both of them were already dressed in tuxedos, having not slept well due to nerves and gotten up early. Patton let him in with a tentative smile. “Merry Christmas, Logan!”</p><p>“Merry Christmas. I bought you something,” Logan smiled and handed him a tiny gift wrapped box.</p><p>“A gift? You bought me a gift?” Patton squealed. He tore off the wrapping to reveal a small box. Reverently he opened the box—and burst into tears. “Oh Logan, it’s beautiful! Thank you so so much. I love you more than anyone in the world!” Inside the box was a ring. An engagement ring set with tiny aquamarine gemstones.</p><p>“So… is it a yes?” Logan asked, adjusting his glasses.</p><p>“Yes! Yes, a thousand times yes!” Patton slipped the ring on and launched himself at Logan, holding him tight and not letting go. Logan wrapped his arms around him and held him.</p><p> </p><p>The ceremony would begin soon, and Janus was in the church, helping the usher seat everyone, assisted (to his disgust) by Patton’s mother. She had Patton’s anxiousness to please as a hostess, with none of his selflessness and charm. There were not that many guests despite the Crofters and the Harts being well respected in their parish, because it was Christmas Eve and many of the invited guests had made other plans for Christmas. This was just as well in Janus’s opinion.</p><p>“Emile Picani!” He stepped forward to greet the pastor with a warm handshake.</p><p>Mrs. Hart frowned. “I don’t remember asking a Mister Picani to officiate. We were going to have our family pastor,” she said.</p><p>“Ah yes, he unfortunately got sick yesterday, and I offered to step in,” Emile smiled. “Nice to meet you.”</p><p>Janus smirked. It had been easy to bribe the pastor to stay home on Christmas Eve in order to substitute one who was more favourable to their plans.</p><p>Right behind Emile, the wedding photographer arrived. “Remy, how are you?” Janus said.</p><p>“Yass gurl, looking forward to snapping shit going down!” Remy said, slurping his takeaway coffee.</p><p>Janus put a finger to his lips and smiled. “Glad you were able to make it on such short notice,” he said. Remy had been the recipient of yet another last minute phone call yesterday. He checked his watch, the one that he had synced with Remus’s. A quarter of an hour until the ceremony started. Four minutes and thirty six seconds until the plan kicked off.</p><p> </p><p>Over in the dining hall on the estate ten minutes drive away from the church, Remus checked her watch. Four minutes thirty five seconds until she could start causing chaos. She was supposed to be helping the brides, so no-one would suspect her, and she knew that Virgilia was more than capable of stopping Romana from stabbing someone with an eyelash curler.</p><p>She was alone in the dining hall for a moment. She placed some suspicious looking devices under the tables, and shoved the remote into her satin bag. Against the centre of one wall, she eyed the five tier wedding cake. Two tiers of heavy raisined fruitcake covered by inches of artificially coloured sickeningly sweet icing, and three fake tiers. On the top stood two tiny heterosexual couples.</p><p>Five, four, three, two, one. Grinning maniacally, Remus shoved the cake with both hands, and jumped back as it came crashing down from on high. Icing and raisin shrapnel flew everywhere. The noise was almighty. As shouts and running footsteps came from the kitchen, Remus high-tailed it out of there, grinning from ear to ear.</p><p> </p><p>Janus couldn’t wipe the smirk off his face as Mrs. Hart answered her phone to the poor frantic head caterer. The cake! The cake was ruined! He suggested she call Mrs Crofter and go over to the dining hall immediately to sort it out before the ceremony started. She agreed, to Janus’s joy, and set off in her car at the maximum speed limit. <em>‘Heartrender is on the move’</em> he texted Remus.</p><p> </p><p>Remus was, at that moment, getting her green bridesmaid dress very dirty, hiding in a rhododendron bush outside the dining hall. <em>‘Heartrender and sour jam are in position’</em> she texted Janus back as Mrs Hart and Mrs Crofter jumped out of their cars and dashed into the dining hall to wring their hands and bewail the ruined wedding cake with the rest of the weeping caterers. Remus pulled a key out of her bag and stealthily locked the dining hall door. Then she went around to the back and locked the back door and the kitchen door.</p><p><em>'Mission Cake accomplished’</em> she texted Janus. Two down, six to go. </p><p>She wished she could stick around to see the moment when they discovered they had been locked in, but the wedding was about to start and she had to assist her brides. She returned to the house where the hairdresser had just left and Romana was looking radiant and uncomfortable in a traditional white wedding dress and Virgilia radiant and almost happy in a black and white compromise between a traditional wedding dress and something a little more in her style, and a black veil.</p><p>“I told you you would like it!” Remus crowed at Romana. Romana just rolled her eyes.</p><p>In procession, they all went down to the hired wedding car, drove up to the church and met their fathers at the door.</p><p>Virgilia’s father took her aside for a moment. “You look stunning, Vee.” He whispered. “And... don’t tell your mother this but... I know that this might be all too sudden for you. I guess what I mean is, there’s still time to, I don’t know, back out if you want to… and I’ll support you whatever choices you make.”</p><p>Virgilia had to hold back tears: this would be the worst time for her makeup to run. She hugged her father tightly. “Thanks Dad. That means a lot to me.”</p><p>Janus came out to see them. “There’s been a bit of a last minute crisis with Patton and Logan’s mothers, and their dads have gone to try to help. They said to carry on without them because they’ll be back in two minutes.” That last sentence was a big fat lie on his part. Hopefully they would all be tied up with trying to release the women for at least another half hour. Four down, four to go. And of course, the guests. He nodded to Remus.</p><p>Remus checked her watch and pulled out the remote device from her bag. “I’m just going to... spice things up for them,” she smiled.</p><p>“What is that?” Romana whispered to her sister.</p><p>Remus grinned mischievously and pressed the big red button. “Stink bombs. Won’t cause any damage of course but that whole dining hall is going to reek of rotten eggs and serves them right.”</p><p>And with that happy thought the two brides processed down the aisle to the Wedding March, though Virgilia had begged very hard for it to be <em>I Write Sins Not Tragedies</em>. Good as gold, the couples proceeded with the ceremony as if they fully intended to be hetero-ever-after.</p><p>Just before the exchanging of vows was about to begin, Janus and Remus checked their watches, shared a look and nodded. Logan adjusted his glasses and smiled at Patton, barely resisting the urge to go to him and take his hand in his own. Just wait two seconds, any minute now... </p><p>Behind them, Janus and Remus pulled smoke bombs from their bags, and threw them down between the altar and the congregation. At the same moment, Remy set the fire alarm off. The result was chaos. Guests fell over each other in the stampede to the door, screaming and coughing. Janus folded his arms and Remus grinned in satisfaction. The brides and grooms looked at each other and smiled... and switched places. </p><p>Logan took Patton’s hand. “Let the wedding go on,” he said. He turned to Patton, as he had been meant to turn to Virgilia. “I, Logan, take thee, Patton, for my lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.” He vowed with all his heart. </p><p>Eyes brimming with happy tears, Patton repeated the vows. Janus brought him the rings. “I give you this ring as a symbol of my love. Let it be a reminder that I am always by your side and that I will always be a faithful partner to you.” He took Logan’s hand and placed the wedding ring on his finger. Logan repeated the action for him, losing himself in the happiness of his partner’s eyes as the brides said their vows, only coming back to reality when Emile announced them wedded and they could now kiss their partners. He took Patton’s chin gently in his hand and leaned down, stopping just short of Patton’s lips to search his eyes. Patton reached up and closed the distance between them. Together, at last, forever. They need never fear that this deepening kiss would be their last. “Merry Christmas, Logan,” Patton whispered when they parted for breath.</p><p> </p><p>Janus had arranged their getaway cars. Remus had of course poured yogurt into the fuel tanks of the furious parents, so the happy couples could not be chased. Holding hands on the church steps, they waved sweetly through the chaos at the two taxis driving away, Romana and Virgilia to France, and Patton and Logan to a blissful Christmas honeymoon in an Alpen Swiss chalet.</p>
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